From Now Until Forever From Now: Part Two

Present Day

My husband and I, like many married couples, can speak in a code that no one else understands.  Sometimes it’s non-verbal, as with a particular look or expression (he rolls his eyes when he’s exasperated with me, I get “the look” on my face that my subordinates used to fear).  Often, it’s a single word.  I say “fat”, he knows the expected and desired response is to reply, “You’re not fat!”; he jokes that my gravestone will read “Here lies Amy.  She was not fat.” 

However, there is one thing I can utter that stirs up so much that I can’t always wrap my mind around the emotions that predicated it and those which it later evokes: 

“We’re becoming just like that couple in Charleston.”

Back to the Future

In November of 2003 while still in California, I toyed with the idea of signing up with eHarmony.  I was drawn to this particular on-line matching/dating  company because of their adherence to moral values.  What does that mean?  It means the founder, a Christian doctor named Neil Clark Warren, designed the entire process around the end goal of marriage.  Ok, admittedly at the time I’d strayed from the flock,  but, I still totally agreed with his program, which was both extensive and methodological.  It synced with my brain, I was ok with the time involved and with the cost of joining.  And, yes, I wanted to meet someone to marry, not simply to date and hang out with; I’d had enough of that in the almost four years since divorcing my first husband.  In the end, though, I decided it made more sense to wait until I was living in my new state to start the process of answering the 400+ questions required by eHarmony.

A  month or so before I left California for North Carolina, I wrote this in my journal:

“It seems so hopeless that I’ll ever find someone.  Maybe if I really give up, there he’ll be?  Who is he?  I haven’t a clue except I’m pretty sure I don’t know him yet.”  17 November 2003

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!  How right I was!  No, I didn’t know him yet; and I had no idea that when I arrived in Durham in January of 2004, I would meet my future husband in a mere two and a half months. In hindsight, it’s totally delicious to ponder what the just turned 40 year old me had waiting for her around the next bend.  

Even more delicious:

“So, here I am home again with Nigel and Clyde.  The lonely old woman and her cats.”

29 November 2003

Exactly one  year lately, Mark proposed.

  

An Open Door

My first month or so in Durham was crammed with all the activities one goes through after moving into a new state, a new city, a new residence.  The time literally flew by and before I knew it, it was Valentine’s Day.  While both my brothers and their wives had been more than generous with their time and talents; assisting me in getting settled, showing me around Durham, having me over to their homes or coming over to mine for meals and conversation; it was, after all, Valentine’s Day so it was no surprise that I found myself one again alone and hanging out with my best buds Nigel and Clyde.  I was still smoking (a little) then, so, I recall wandering around my townhouse trying to think of something to do but being in that mood of not wanting to do anything.  I’d go out to the garage or the deck to smoke, then go back in and trudge upstairs to where I was setting up my office and stare at my laptop.  I had a movie to watch, but no enthusiasm for that, either.  What I was experiencing was a good case of the dithers.  I was trying to decide WHAT TO DO; and was distracting myself by thinking I was supposed to do some task like go organize my make-up drawer or hang another picture on the wall. In reality, I was standing before a door that was slowly opening and was avoiding the moment when I’d decide to go through it or not (I recently read a term for this condition by a Princeton University philosopher:  decidophobia).  Well, thank God I finally decided to venture through the door and plunked myself down in front of the laptop to spend roughly two hours completing the questions for eHarmony.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve taken A LOT of what I’ll refer to as “personality tests” over the course of my life with the majority of them being for career development purposes.  To be truthful, I’m not sure I’ve always been 100% truthful when answering the questions.  I think it’s a human tendency to answer in ways that either we believe will make us “sound better” or in ways we think will please others.  Of course, doing this can be an exercise in futility as indicated by the time I completed one of those “Your Ideal Career” surveys and was told I’d make an excellent Park Ranger.  Seriously, I think I actually completed that one fairly honestly, didn’t think the answer suited, then re-took the test feeding it the “appropriate” responses until I got the result I thought everyone would like (Human Resources).  In hindsight, I probably would have loved being a Park Ranger.

So, as I began the eHarmony test, I found myself doing what I’d always done; trying to pick the responses that sounded good.  After about 30 minutes of this, I hit myself upside the head (figuratively) and thought, “What the heck are you doing?  Answer honestly or else who knows who you’ll end up with?”  And so I deleted all my previous answers and started over in anticipation that being truthful, even if it was an invitation to vulnerability, was the best course of action.

If I didn’t end up being matched with anyone suitable, well,  there was always the Park Ranger option.

Mrs. B

Up Next:  Match Game

I Am With You Kid. Let's Go!

Am I the only one who remembers specific dates long after they should really carry as much significance as they once did; especially as dates that followed became much more important in the grand scheme of things?

Case in point, Tuesday March 30th, 2004. This was the day I met Mr. B, meaning, our first face to face meeting. We were matched up via eHarmony on Friday March 19th. Thanks to the journal I was keeping at that time and the scrapbook I later made (thank God I keep everything, even if I'm the only one who will ever care that I did so), I have these words to help in my recollections:

From eHarmony:

Dear Amy and Mark:

I'm writing to tell you that eHarmony's unique matching system has sifted information through hundreds of thousands of profiles and matched yours on 29 Key Dimensions of compatibility. We've taken the work and stress out of finding a compatible person to meet. So, Amy and Mark, we'd like to make an introduction.

And what I had to say to eHarmony later when reporting our "Success Story":

Mark immediately initiated the communication process. I was deeply enthralled with the information on his page and felt a connection with him as many of his answers were close in tone to mine.

Soon, we'd progressed to the 4th Stage in eHarmony's controlled process, which was Open Communication. Here is a bit of the emails we first sent one another:

3.21.04

Hi Mark:

These first emails are always a bit tough! Sounds like you've been at eHarmony for a short period of time; same with me (signed up in February). I just moved to Durham from LA (to be closer to family) and figured this would be a good way to meet some nice people...I was married for about ten years and have been divorced for almost four. No children, but I do have cats...Glad to hear you like cooking/entertaining; definitely one of my favorite things to do (along with traveling and reading...) PS...You're right...you don't look like you are 47 years old :-)

3.21.04

Hi Amy:

Yes, the first emails do seem to be the hardest to write...I am basically a shy person with new people and then warm up quickly...I have a daughter who is 11...who lives with her mother...What kind of cats do you have? I love their names, by the way (BIG kudos, there, Mr. B!) I always had cats around growing up...been thinking about getting one...(how about FIVE, sweetie?)...I read in your information that you like to travel...so do I...

After several emails, we decided to meet for coffee/dessert at a local cafe and bake shop; Mad Hatter's (who, BTW, we used to make our wedding cake!) I said in my journal:

I am going to meet Mark Tuesday night. He suggested coffee and talking. Already, I like his approach!

And...

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and be told: "I am with you kid. Let's go!"" -- Maya Angelou

This quote is a fairly appropriate one, I think, for the start of another new journal; the first one to begin in my new life here in Durham.

I guess I really have "taken life by the lapel", haven't I? When I really stop to think about it (and am able to tell the critic inside myself to shut up for a minute), I realize I've done a lot in the past 12 months to change my life. A lot to be proud of, because it took guts to do what I did (and yes, there is a difference between courage and stupidity/rashness!)

I know that I don't give myself enough credit. I never have.

Well, that's about to change for once and for all! I am going to take the confidence that everyone sees/thinks I have and start on a new adventure with it.

Starting tonight! I am meeting a new man from eHarmony in less than an hour. Who knows if he is "The One", but so far, at least from our emails, I like him quite a bit.

As it turned out, it rained quite heavily that evening. I remember I was wearing my London Fog raincoat, a pair of taupe slacks that I thought made me look especially thin (I still have these) and a maroon sweater. I walked into Mad Hatter's and saw Mark almost right away standing off to one side of the entrance opposite the one I'd come in. I recognized him since we'd both posted pictures on our eHarmony profiles. He had on khaki slacks and a yellow polo shirt with an IBM penguin logo. To my extreme surprise, he also was sporting an earring in his left ear and had somewhat longish, curly hair (to my never-ending dismay, both the earring and the long curly hair are kept under wraps the majority of the time these days as not being especially appropriate for a CPA in the somewhat conservative South). I know we were both a bit nervous, but, thanks to the leg work eHarmony had done (and all of our emails), it didn't take too long for the edginess to evaporate and soon we were chatting like we'd known each other a lot longer than we actually had. Seriously, over tiramisu (him) and red velvet cake (me) and a lot of coffee, it did seem as though we were two people who had known each other for awhile; maybe through work or church or a Board or something who had, at some point, decided to take the relationship a bit further. In other words, we were NOT complete strangers, we knew things about one another, we had "starting points" for the conversation (my cats, his daughter, our travels, our favorite wines) to fall back on if there were any lapses.

After talking for close to two hours, we parted, but not before we exchanged a quick hug and peck kisses and Mark asked me if I wanted to get together again.

My summary from my journal later that night:

I thought it went well! I really like him. I think he may feel the same; he asked me if I want to get together again when I get back from FL. Yes, definitely yes!

And a few days later:

I guess I've had a few butterflies these past couple of days; waiting to see if Mark would still be interested...and it seems that he is! Of all things to have butterflies about (new job, meeting new people, making a presentation, travel) a prospective new romance is, by far, the best!

I began this post this morning by musing why certain dates stick with you even though ones that followed have more significance. After composing this post, it's become clear that, sometimes, it's the events of these seemingly less important dates that are, in fact the more life changing after all. For, if they hadn't happened, those that followed never could have.

And, even though Mr. B will be slaving away tonight at his office and I'll be home with our six pets, I just may have to have a piece of red velvet cake on this Tuesday March 30th 2010.

Mrs. B

What I Had to Go Through to Meet Mr. B: Part One

On this day four years ago, I met Mr. B (in person) for the first time at Mad Hatter's in Durham. But, it was somewhat a long road to get there!

Most of you know by now that Mr. B and I met via eHarmony. I'd decided after I moved to Durham that I was tired of being the 5th wheel, and, more importantly, I was ready, really ready, to hook up with a decent man. Because my past practices of picking men to date and marry hadn't exactly worked out to my best interest, I elected to get help through eHarmony.

Not to belabor the eHarmony point, but, in my opinion, if a person is willing to put the time and effort into filling out a 400+ question survey, more than likely, they, too, are serious about getting serious. Unlike other on-line dating sites, eHarmony's mission is to hook folks up for long term relationships, hopefully, marriage.

So, as I've said before, I started the eHarmony process in, oh, early to mid-February. By the end of February, I'd been matched with a complete twit, Scott (OK, so not EVERYONE was completely serious or honest). After going through eHarmony's structured communication process, we decided to meet in person.

I met him at a bar (his choice; this should have been my first sign) where he'd (self-admittedly) already had three or four beers before I'd even arrived. I opted for Diet Coke and he continued to drink another two or three beers. He reminded me of a Bantam Rooster; short, red-haired, rough-faced (at about my age, his drinking was already showing signs on his face). About the only thing we had in common was that we both smoked (although I ended up quitting that coming June) and we'd both been to Italy (although he did not go to any of the cities I'd been to). I knew pretty much right off the bat that this guy was NOT the one for me, but, being polite, I thought I'd give him one more try (plus I didn't have any one else on the horizon). Finally, he had some really odd last name. Laughingfoot or something like that. OK, while not the most important thing in a relationship, one DOES think about what one's last name might become and, Amy Laughingfoot (or whatever it was) just didn't grab me.

Boy, did I come to regret my decision to meet him again. As we left the bar, I told him, sure, I'd see him again. From that point on, he became a real pest. He sent me emails and IMs constantly, and, even worse, started to call me. He tried to talk me into going to a hockey game with him and his young daughter; I didn't think it was a good idea to meet his kid before I'd figured out if I even wanted anything to do with him. We finally arranged to meet at the local mall to see a movie and have dinner. He wanted to see "The Passion of the Christ"; I really did NOT want to (what a rotten pick for a first date) but, I went along with his suggestion; dreading and dreading and dreading this first date. As the day approached, I really felt sick about it.

Oh, talk about fate intervening! He called me THE DAY of our date and told me he was sick. He went on and on about his symptoms (too much information, but, since this was the same guy who'd called me one afternoon and told me how horny he was, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised). Anyway, boy, was I HAPPY that he was calling to postpone our date.

Actually, I thought he was lying; that, perhaps, he'd been matched up with someone who was a bit more enthusiastic about his being horny, so, he was giving me a line about being sick. Who cared? I didn't, just so long as I didn't have to see him; even better that I didn't have to be the one to tell him, too.

Well, no such luck.

Maybe two or three days later, he started back up with the emails, IMs and phone calls.

I remember distinctly one day, a Thursday, his sending me an IM while I was also IMing with my brother. I sat there and really thought about it; I mean, REALLY thought about it, and realized I wasn't being honest or true to myself by continuing to try to avoid this guy. And, as much as a creep as I thought he was, I wasn't being fair to him, either. But, mostly, I was freaking tired of him catching me on-line and pestering me. So, I sent him an IM and told him as nicely as possible that I really didn't think this was going to work out, that I didn't feel any sort of connection with him.

There was a bit of on-line silence from him. Then, he came back with, "Well, I don't feel any sort of physical attraction to you, either, but I thought I should give you a second chance!"

WHATEVER!

At least this dude was finally out of my hair.

I IM'd my bro, elated. He and his (then) wife came over and we all went out to the James Joyce to celebrate the end of my short-lived relationship with this clown. Long live Strongbow Cider!

BTW, I must disclose that my brother didn't like the look or sound of Scott from the very beginning.

Mrs. B