Nets

 A recent devotion I did for our women's Bible study group!

https://us02web.zoom.us/rec/share/4CXGyAVNjMXgotZHe48kTtU5rt72pssCokecjeyvixZTc2tfvCviTVmWe_NZmE2e.WZQh_K4CY_QqQs4_ Passcode: ^3qLUpHu

Jesus' Ringtone

Note:  I wrote this several years ago when our church used to publish daily meditations/devotions written by its members.  I don't know why I've not thought to share this before!

Merry Christmas!

Jesus’ Ringtone

“When I thought, ‘My foot is slipping,” your steadfast love O Lord, held me up.  When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul”. Psalm 94:18-19 (NRSV)

A friend recently told me about an app that allows you to choose from a wide variety of ringtones to assign to individual contacts in your phone.  I’ve since had great fun listening to some of the more silly ringtones as I’ve gone about selecting specific ones for each of my family and friends.  Because we are approaching the holiday season, there are many Christmas carol favorites available for use and   I’ve listened to many of them; pausing here and there on my own cherished favorites such as “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” and “The Hallelujah   Chorus” from Handel’s “Messiah”.  About this time, I began contemplating what I’d write for this devotional and I found myself wondering what ringtone I’d assign to Jesus.  Of course, it would have to be an extremely special one; fit only for Him. Wouldn’t it be so delightful, I thought a bit wistfully as I continued to scroll through the ringtones, if I really could?  Then I thought about the people in my phone’s address book and I realized that, in essence, I did routinely receive calls from Jesus in the forms of my family and friends; people who love and cherish me, who will always be there for me, and certain folks that I’m certain God has put into my life for a reason.  During the holidays, most of us take time to stop and count our blessings; the love, peace, and joy that abounds during the season of our Savior’s birth brings all that we have and hold dear to the foremost of our hearts.  However, throughout the rest of the year, on ordinary days, we might do well to reflect that when we get a call from a dear friend or perhaps a long lost family member, it could truly be Jesus calling.

Run, Flu, Listen

It’s early in the morning and I’m doing my usual; the alarm goes off, I hit snooze, and manage to go back to sleep for five minutes.  Why is it, I always wonder, that I cannot easily fall asleep at night, and yet, drifting back to never-never land within 5 seconds is doable at 5:45 am?  In any case, I smack that snooze button three more times before I finally give it up, get up, and stumble into the bathroom.

As I’m doing my thing, I remember with a pleasant start that it’s Saturday morning, and there is absolutely no reason for me to be sitting on the throne when I could still be slumbering away.  Almost as quickly as I have this thought, I recall that I’d promised my next-door neighbor and somewhat friend Chasity that I’d go for a run with her, followed by a visit to Starbucks and a foray to the local farmers’ market.  It seemed like a decent idea the previous night while sharing a bottle of good Zinfandel and binge-watching “Game of Thrones”; now, not so much.

I wonder if I could plead having the flu to Chasity and beg off this insanity of venturing out of my condo at such an indecent hour. I’m pretty sure she’d be understanding, and it wouldn’t change how she felt about me, but; I know she’s a Christian, and even though I don’t hold to organized religion, I can’t out and out lie to someone who does.  Sighing, I finish up my business and head towards the kitchen, offering a silent prayer to the God of Coffee that I’d preset the Keurig machine to turn on at 5:30 am because, you know, in this age of instant gratification, having to wait 60 seconds for the water to heat up can be pure torture.  

Glory!  It’s on!  Crap!  There’s nothing in the reservoir.  Muttering out loud that it’s unfair that I’m always the one who has to put water in the stupid thing, I stop and realize I’m bitching at myself.  The object of my complaining used to be my ex-husband, but of course, ex means ex, as in gone from my life, kaput.  Not a bad trade, considering; needing to do piddly chores vs. being married to him.  Still even after two years, old habits die a slow, lingering death.

My ancient cat wanders into the kitchen and gives me his version of stink eye.  “What’s up with you, Grouchy Mouse?” I say.  He’s apparently not pleased with being referred to as a small rodent, nor does he seem to wish to listen to me rant at his ex-dad, so he turns to stalk away, lifting and twitching his plumed tail as he goes. That’s when I notice the probable reason for his aggravation; a huge piece of poop stuck to his furry behind.  With practiced movement, I rip a wad of paper towels from the roll on the counter, bend down to grab him by the scruff of his neck, pick him up, swipe his poopy butt, deposit him back down on the floor before he can bite me while simultaneously thinking, “I forgot to get his butt shaved.  Again”. 

My day is off to a fabulous start.

I head back to the bathroom to deposit the smelly bundle of Bounty into the toilet.  As I flush it down, I catch a glimpse of the reflection in the mirror and am confused for a second.  My grandmother is looking back at me, just as perplexed to be there as I am to see her.  “Why is she wearing my ratty ‘No Crisis Before Its Time’ tee shirt?” I ask myself stupidly.  I blink, and she’s gone; it’s only me reflected in the mirror, still half bent over with my hand on the back side of the toilet. 

And just like that, I am old.

The Diversity Of Healthy Religion: What We Do With What We Know About God Is Important

Even in the year 2019, there are still people and groups of people; many, many, many, people, who believe in a God who can't wait to throw sinners into the fiery pit of hell, without much thought to the fact that they, too, are sinners.

They believe in a God of judgement; certainly not a Universal One who desires all to draw near and wake-up and see what was right before them all along; nor a fun-loving one with a good sense of humor.

What would be different if all embraced diversity within religion?  There would be no option but to realize that Everything Belongs.  There would be a true urge to gather those who don't feel like they belong into the fold.  Not by hitting them upside the head with threats of hell (unless you sign up and drink the Kool-Aid), or shaming them into believing (is that even possible?), but to actually share The Good News by showing what The Good News is.

Why do people need to feel that what they think or believe is the only way; the right way?

I find trying to be right and in control is exhausting!  It diverts our time into a "waste of time".  Time that could be spent in Micah 6:8-ing it:  "...do justice, and to love kindness, and walk humbly with your God".  It's kinda hard to be humble when you're fighting to be right.  "Being right is not enlightenment", as Richard Rohr says.

What we know about God is this:  God is Love (1 John 4:7-8, 1 John 4:19).  And what our  friend The Apostle Paul says about love is this:  Love is patient;  love is kind;  love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

As far as I know, Paul wasn't telling people to only love certain people (and, even though this particular passage is used frequently in wedding ceremonies, it wasn't written for that purpose).  Heck, one of Paul's most important theologies was that people, through Christ (might I throw in the concept of The Universal Christ), are no longer contained within whatever box they'd been put into by society!  So, take "Jew", "Greek", "Man", "Woman", "Slave", "Master", etc., from the year 50-ish CE/AD and insert out current boxes from the year 2019 CE/AD:  "Citizen", "Illegal Alien" (he used that one too, I think), "Straight", "LGBTQIA", "Republican", "Democrat", "Churched", "Unchurched", "Senior Citizen", College Student", and, yeah, "Christian", "Jew", "Muslim", Aetheist", etc., etc., etc., how can we read these passages and not get it?

We waste our time defending our corner of the sandbox and  screaming at others that they are wrong, instead of going out and finding new friends on the playground.  I use a childish analogy because we are being childish.  Not in the good way of "little children" as in, only those who see as "little children" will get into the Kingdom of Heaven, but in the unreasonable, temper tantrum way of spoiled rotten brats.

Mrs. B

A Prayer of Intercession

God of all love, mercy, comfort, consolation, and peace.  You know all, you are in all, you are all.  The Great I AM.  There is nothing I can say, pray, or lift up to you that you are not already aware of and already in the midst of, yearning to help your children.  Yet, it is strengthening and comforting to us who feel so overwhelmed by the pain and suffering of others to speak to you about each one -- if we are able -- or of broad encompassing situations, so that all might be included.  

Lord, I confess that there are times when I feel so weighed down by this responsibility to pray for others, without ceasing; that I become numb.  When this happens, gently remind me that this is not a responsibility, something I'll get in trouble for if I fail; rather, it is an honor, a privilege, in fact, a joy; to have a God who wishes to hear all prayers, at all times, in however many ways they are expressed; as individual as those being prayed for and those doing the praying:  Words.  Song.  Writing.  Acts of Service.  Acts of Love.  Silence.  Listening.  Presence.  All are acceptable to you and all help.  I ask not to be intimidated by my inadequacy, but strengthened in the knowledge and example of Jesus, who prayed passionately, honestly, and humbly; and taught us all to do the same.  Nothing offered to you in love will ever be rejected; even if the great mysteries of why, when, who, what, where, and how may not ever be known or realized this side of the mirror.

And so, Lord, I write this prayer to speak to you, and trust with all my heart that when you hear it, you will see every single person, situation, and condition lovingly intertwined in my words.

Merciful God, I lift up to you now all who are grieving.  All who are sick, suffering pain, undergoing treatments, surgeries, enduring chronic illnesses; as well as their  families, care givers, doctors, and medical teams.  I lift up those who are struggling with life.  With addictions.  With relationships.  With loneliness. With finances, jobs, and school.  With anxiety and worries.  I lift up all who are being; simply in a state of contemplation and discernment.  Also, all of those who are beginning something new, or are in the midst of change.  I lift up those who are traveling and away from home.  I lift up all of the children in the world, who always need your special care, and also the animals and creatures of this earth, and the earth itself, your creation.

To each and all may you bring comfort, strength, peace, love, release from pain, answers, direction, guidance, help, provisions, safety, motivation, resources, conviction, determinations, and truth.  Lord God, always send The Good People to help; to remind all of your presence, and to give to all the hope and strength that is needed every day.  May all come to know the peace of Christ.

May those of us who have the fruit of the spirit do what we can to share and spread The Good News.  One prayer at a time.

In Christ's name.

Amen.

Mrs. B

Reflection on 2018

Journaling aside, I keep a daily list of "thankfuls".  These little books are ways to remind myself, at-a-glance, what I'm grateful for, but also serve as a chronicle of events.  Even if they are not always explicitly listed, I am also reminded of a few challenges here and there throughout the year.  Here, then, are a few highlights.  Oh, and since I'm not really going into much detail, elaborating, analyzing, etc., I suppose this is more of a listing, not a reflection.  Reflection sounds better, though!

January

Safe travels and good visits with family (Father) and friends (John and Mary).  Successfully used Uber for the first time!  Hesed's eyelash surgery was successful.  Wonderful messages at church.  Letters from Ann.  Mom got good results at Duke.  Tutoring Giovell.  Plenty of opportunities to work on not getting annoyed.  Fellowship with friends (Bill and Sybil, Carolyn). Gearing up for tax season.

February

The beginning of another Stephen Minister Training Class.  Mark's x-ray was clear.  Hesed doing fine staying in the office by herself (uncrated).  Hanging in the midst of unknowing.  Mom B was able to see Aunt Judy before she passed.  

March

Thankful my brain allows me to memorize scripture.  My orchid is blooming.  Long walks in the sunshine with Hesed.  Spending time with family (Mike, Kim, and Mom B).  Texting with Cailyn.  Flowers from "The Boss".  Heard from all my parents.  Letter from Mark Neil (sponsored child in the Philippines).  Match Day!  14 years!  So much opportunity for grace, growth, and forgiveness.  Talking with a sweet little boy in our neighborhood.

April

Good to see Jon and the girls.  God put me here to help others.  Dad's results were good.  Heard from Kathy.  Time with Mom B.  Father's generosity.  Chicken burritos!  Made it through another tax season.  New water heater.  Weekends to putter, ride bikes, nap, and go out to dinner.  Days like today make me grateful for other days.  A lovely Stephen Ministry retreat.  Commissioning Sunday.

May

Safe travels to/from Father's; Hesed warmed up to him.  Able to work on Lucy's Book.  Josh and Josette set their wedding date (9/15/19).  Meeting our new neighbor Debbie and her yellow Lab Jazz.

Survived my dental cleaning.  Good neighbors stepping in to help out with the cats.  Safe travels to Ft. Lauderdale and Cancun.  Happy not to be that arguing couple.  Did not look at my To Do List.  Thankful for contemplative practices to calm my furies.  Wonderful message at church:  Be Bold!

June

Letter from Shaleen.  Bike ride and floating in the pool.  Lovely lunch and time with Mom.  Wonderful time catching up with Gracie.  Lovely day at Selby Gardens with Sybil and Sherrie.

Spending Father's Day with Father.  Caring people.  Cailyn's visit.  Pete able to get help from Dr. Bonda.  Family time.

July

Pete pooped!  Mom and Dad's kind offer to stay at our house.   Spiritual retreat together at Green Bough.  Peaceful during prayer.  Safe travels for family.  Loved, Happy, Kind, Generous = Amy.

Cailyn said, "You're my mom, too!"  Nice lunch with Carolyn.  Mom is still cancer free!  Not hurt when the bed collapsed.  A good Stephen Leader meeting.  Time alone.  I think I learned a valuable lesson from "Mr. Mikey".  Nice visit with John and Mary.

August

My biopsy = not cancer!  Left the rat race 15 years ago.  No regrets!  Pesky clients "fired" us, LOL.

Wonderful visit with friends in California; safe travels.  Able to see our Cruising Friends in St. Pete.

Letter from Ester (sponsored child in Indonesia). Good grounding talk with Sybil.  They caught Dad's blood clot before it was a problem.  Mom B and Boopie beginning a new adventure together.  8 mile bike ride.  

September

Good day working together on the lanai.  Earlier morning walk; pink/blue sunrise.  Beautiful. Nice replies to Card Blast email.  We do have friends here!  Talking with Father.  Re-joined the Y.  Afternoon nap.  Saw Erica in the Publix parking lot.  Wine time with Momma.  Mr. Roger's movie.  Date night at Speak's.  Mark watched "The Wizard of Oz" with me.  Holding Dad's hand.  Sybil is cancer free.  Another good visit with Father.  Disciple 3.

October

Fantastic 50th anniversary celebration weekend for Mom and Dad!  Grateful doctors are mindful of Mark's health.  Care and concern from friends.  Making "final plans" = huge relief (NCS).  Scripture eased anxiety.  Meeting Richard Foster.  Male care receivers!  Pete finally pooped.  New phone.  Mark's Mission Moment.  Mom and Dad = safe travels.   So many friends at church.  Caring people at River Landing.  

November

Beautiful painting of Lucy by Carolyn.  People looking out for others.  Able to see Steve Ross!  Celebrity Equinox!  Spending time with Terry.  Cailyn here for an entire week for Thanksgiving!

Family time.  New places.  Happy Proposal Day!

December

Ann doing well.  Hanging of the Greens.  House all nicely decorated.  Good trip to Father's.

Watching silly Christmas movies.  Sweet "new" nutcracker from Cissie.  Nice Stephen Ministry party at Bill and Sybil's.   Pretty mirrors.  Cailyn got Charlotte!  Hope and Healing Service went well.  Fantastic #55 birthday celebration weekend!  Dad safe from his procedure.  Kevin's visit.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Party with our neighbors.  NYE at Mom and Dad's with Mom B and The Porters.  Safely home!

Mrs. B

The Things God Told Me

This past year I’ve tried to spend some time each day in silence and contemplation.  Sometimes, I’ll admit, the experience is beyond my abilities because I am distracted, unfocused, or interrupted.  Still, there have been moments when I’ve heard, quite clearly, thoughts or instructions that didn’t come from me (or if they did, they came from the part of me that is of the subconscious, which in my opinion is pretty much the same thing as the indwelling presence of God).  In addition, I’ve read several books that talk about who we really are; our True Selves, our Immortal Diamonds; vs. our False Selves and our Shadow Selves.  From both the times of contemplation and these books I’ve read, I’ve written down many things; the things God told me.  Here are a few.

Volunteer to help a struggling child to read (I did, Giovell.  Sweet child!)

Think about limiting time on Facebook even after Lent.  Too hard to be humble and pokes at old wounds (I have been somewhat successful at this)

Write Shaleen (An old friend I hadn’t heard from in years; I did so and, interestingly enough, she’d had a fortune from a Fortune Cookie the day before she received my letter telling her “an old friend you’ve lost touch with is coming back into your life”!)

Throw away your To Do Lists (Ok, this one freaked me out, but, I’ve done so and life is a lot less frenetic!)

Try to see Kathleen and Peri (My good friends from CA; I did, and also Debbie, Pam, Vesna, and Elaine.  It was a wonderful visit!)

You don’t have to convince people by what you say; make them curious by what you do.

You have to displace (In order to distribute my Blessing Bags, I have to go out of my neighborhood and comfort zone). 

Whenever you have any sort of negative thought, stop and immediately replace it with a positive thought.  Philippians 4:8.

Practice silence.  Psalm 141:3.

Let things go by.  Be a mirror!

I (God) am in the interruptions.

Love outward.

Let it be.

No problem to solve.

Trust in the how.

Choose the positive.

Accept imperfection.

Patience, kindness, generosity.

Heaven all the way to heaven.

Whatever you let go of/lose, you didn’t need it, anyway.

Stop saying “but”.

Attach evil indirectly.

Hold out for the yes.

I’ll close this entry with a wonderful poem that was in “Just This” by Richard Rohr.  As he said, “It is this simple and this hard.”

The Welcoming Prayer

Mary Mrozowski

Welcome, welcome, welcome

I welcome everything that comes to me today

because I know it’s for my healing.

I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons,

situations, and conditions.

I let go of my desire for power and control.

I let go of my desire for affection, esteem,

approval, and pleasure.

I let go of my desire for survival and security.

I let go of my desire to change any situation,

condition, person, or myself.

I open to the love and presence of God and

God’s action within.

Mrs. B

Let's Get REAL

Old Age Ain't No Place for Sissies:  Redoux

Many years ago, as I was edging towards the age of fifty but still had a comfortable buffer of four years before I actually hit that milestone, I wrote a blog post which I called “Old Age Ain’t No Place for Sissies”; the title of which I borrowed from a famous quote by the actress Bette Davis.  Of all the glamorous Hollywood actresses of the 1930s and 1940s, I always had an affinity for Bette because she just seemed so comfortable in her own skin (or at least I made that assumption based on her own words).  And, those words were incredibly spot-on, old age isn’t a place for sissies; for those who constantly bewail “Why me?”, for the thin-skinned, for the faint of heart.  I’d written that particular post because I’d been struggling with certain side effects of aging; namely, those that typically rear their ugly and volatile heads in women at the on-set of menopause.  I’d been sharing these thoughts with Mark, and he’d done his level best to assure me that I was still very much a woman, and a good-looking one in his eyes. “And shouldn’t that be all that matters?” he asked me somewhat plaintively.  “Well, yes, well, no, well, crap I don’t know! I’m going through menopause don’t ask me questions with obvious answers!”

The conversation, which had been going thus:

“I’m old!”

“You’re not old!”

“I’m ugly!”

“You’re not ugly!”

“I’m fat!”

“You’re not fat!” (aside; Mark tells me if I die before him, my gravestone will read “Here lies Amy.  She was NOT fat!”)

ended with him asserting in the most loving fashion possible that I wasn’t “creepy”. He meant crepey, as in crepe-paper skin; and this malapropism resulted in such considerable hilarity that I had to blog about it.

Anyway, despite what I wrote in that blog post all those years ago, things such as:

“It’s a wise woman who comes to grips with their body as they age, because spending a life in abject misery, constantly dieting and throwing money away on surgeries (that may result in one looking like a psycho blow fish and thus gathering more pity and ridicule than would have resulted had one just left nature well enough alone); ain’t worth it!”

“One other positive thing about getting older is the treasure trove of life stories.  Oh, I do hope that everyone who is reading this is in a position to understand what I am talking about and has some of these memories!  Ones of adventures, of events that possibly you’ve never shared with anyone, not even your best friend.  Ones that still make you curl your toes in delight and satisfaction.  Ones that, when you are truly in your dotage, you can sit and remember them and cackle in enjoyment at their recollection while those around you nod and smile and think to themselves, “Poor Auntie, she’s really gone around the bend now!”  Oh, if they only KNEW!”

“I think it’s important to realize that older doesn’t always mean wiser.  In order for that to occur, you must truly know yourself.”

the truth is, I continued and continue to struggle with both the outward appearances of aging and the corresponding, close on its heels guilt I feel for being so shallow.  In fairness to me and others who are tormented by this, it’s mightily both compounded and reinforced by the obsession our current age has with youth and beauty; heck, even our cell phone camera apps have a wide variety of filters to apply to your selfie to “soften you up” (not that I am familiar with these; oh, ok, we’ll not add blatant lying to my list of character foibles!)  Many of us, it seems, routinely berate ourselves for being, well, ourselves.

Not too long ago, I came across this meme on Pinterest; I think it sums up the situation rather aptly.

God Affirms:  “You’re NOT Creepy!”

This has been troubling me so much of late that I ended up sharing my struggles with a Spiritual Director last month.  She’d helped me considerably two years before when I’d been in angst over not wanting to climb back onto the hamster wheel by taking on too much volunteer work at church, yet, I felt guilty over saying “no” to God.  She’d listened to me, given me several scripture verses to read, study, and meditate on; and advised me to spend the rest of the day in nature with God, or taking a nap with God; to think of myself being held by God.  Not too long into this, I had this thought pop into my head, “There is nothing wrong with your heart, Amy”.  There’s more to it, but, I immediately felt relieved.  God knew.  God knows.  So, no reason not to believe I might have a similar experience regarding the whole self-image/aging thing.  Admittedly I felt a bit, well, ridiculous telling the Spiritual Director that, with all the things I could (and maybe should) be concerned about, the thing I wanted direction on was how I looked.  Yet once again she listened, offered scripture and insight, and sent me on my way to spend time with God. This time, God basically told me to knock it off, to stop talking smack about myself to myself, because it was getting in the way of what He has in mind for me to do.  That came mostly from meditation on Isaiah 55:9-14, but also in conjunction with a lot of reading I’ve been doing of late about finding our True Selves in God, and “dying” to our False Selves.  I get that this may sound a bit “out there”, but, if you spend any time delving into any of The Christian Mystics and Contemplatives (e.g., Richard Rohr, Thomas Merton, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Clare, St. Catherine of Siena, etc., etc.) this stuff starts to rub off on you because it makes so much sense. 

Shortly after meeting with the Spiritual Director, the importance of truly embracing, of allowing, this virgin state acceptance of my so very not fresh-faced appearance became crystal clear.   Sometimes life’s lessons, or, messages from God, or reinforcements of messages from God if you’d rather, come to you in pretty funky ways; ways that, when you sit back and muse over how it all played out, there’s just no mistaking that it WAS a nudge (or maybe even a hearty shove) from The Three-In-One. 

Up Next:  

A Messenger in the Mall in the Manifestation of Mr. Mikey

Mrs. B

A Flurry…I Mean a Fury…of Resentment

I am contemplating my “furies”; what gets me so upset that I am blinded by anger?  Honestly and sadly, I’m not overly much concerned about social injustices.  I know I should be, and I’m ashamed to admit (even to myself and especially to God) that I am not.  Oh, sure; certain things bother me, and I might even feel sorrow about them, but God’s pure anger?  I don’t think so.  Conversely, (and thankfully), I do not find myself misdirecting my own anger as God’s. 

Does this make it all a wash?

I know hands down what possesses me, what can cause me to say things I really don’t want to (at least my True Self doesn’t want to, my ego happily spouts things off rapid fire), as well as to sink into the pit of self-pity.  RESENTMENT.  It is, after a year of really thinking about my “Goats”, probably the most stubborn and persistent one; even more so than anxiety and recrimination!

This is the scripture I’d assigned to the symbolic exorcism of the Goat of Resentment last Lent:

“Keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flow the springs of life.”  Proverbs 4:23

Wise words (Proverbs, after all!) yet, well, so very hard to do at times.  When resentment flares up within me, I wonder if it’s driven by physical factors (like a child being overly tired who ultimately throws a temper tantrum), past wounds that are still not forgotten or healed, or my ego, plain and simple, desiring recognition, accolades, applause, and groveling (no, not really that!)  Probably a mixture of them all.

Richard Rohr says about anger:  “If you keep…justifying why you deserve this anger, you are probably acting out of your own offended ego.  When you can let go of it…after properly acknowledging it, you can probably retrieve it without its excessive charge and then use it effectively.  If you can’t do that, I hate to say it, but you are likely “possessed” and need an “exorcism”!”

So, my head may not whip around at an 180 degree angle while my mouth projectile vomits split pea soup, but the sight (when I am possessed by resentment-driven anger), is not pretty nevertheless (if you didn’t catch the reference to a particular movie here, you are either way too young or have never seen one of the scariest horror movies of all time!)

Here is another thing I’ve realized as I’ve thought about it.  I do not resent what I am asked to do so much as I resent not being acknowledged for doing it.  Sadly, it does appear, then, that it’s ego-driven.  First half of life stuff.  Obviously,  I’m still a long ways from Falling Upwards.  I suppose I should be grateful that at least I recognize it; and I can continue to humbly rely on God to point out to me what I need to work on.

Ego-Resentment-Anger-Forgetfulness (not keeping my heart, not taming my tongue) = Unacceptable Behavior = (the potential for) Destruction

Richard Rohr’s suggestion?  “Allow another person’s smile, hug or words to dissipate “the whole thing”.  In so doing, they perform an exorcism  You might resent them (my aside:  the Devil never takes too kindly to the exorcist!)  but this reveals the actual emptiness of your anger.  It was not really “you” at all, but you had let it become you.”

And, another person is not required for the procedure!

“When The Furies have you, your practice can be to make eye contact and smile at another person – deliberately detaching from your Furies –”

And, so we begin!

Mrs. B

Noise and Water

“Keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flow the springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23

“Let every heart prepare Him room.” – Joy to the World

My heart’s often been full, but not always of what it should be full of.  Anxiety, recrimination, the burden of responsibilities, the fear of disappointing someone or letting them down; these things have kept up a permanent residence in my heart and it’s been difficult for anything else to get in.  Oh, sure; I have love in my heart for my husband, family, friends, and pets.  I feel waves of great compassion towards people who are grieving, in pain, or struggling.  Yet, even these feelings are, I fear, driven in large part by a sense of obligation; which derives from the anxiety, recrimination, the burden of responsibilities, fear of disappointing someone or letting them down.  My heart has been confused; and lately, I’ve experienced an almost overwhelming cacophony of noise.  I’ve blamed it on the external: the pets running around in the morning when I’m trying to be quiet and pray, or the landscapers coming by my kitchen window with their deafening machinery.  I’ve been figuratively beating my chest and pulling out my hair while crying out to God, “How can I hear you above all of this NOISE?”  The other day I was quite ungracious about the whole thing and told my husband, “I’m just going to give up trying to talk to God because I have no peace and quiet.”  I didn’t mean it, not really; I was just so frustrated because, in all honesty, I was having performance anxiety. God was going to be disappointed if I didn’t figure out some way to talk with him without being distracted. Later that morning, I thankfully had a moment of clarity when I heard God say, “You talk to me in other ways, it’s ok.”  That kept me soldiering on.

So intellectually, I get Jesus.  I get that He came to heal the sick, set the prisoners free, give hope to the poor and suffering.  I also get that this can be both literal and an analogy.  “Set the prisoners free”, for example, may mean to literally free those who are wrongly imprisoned, but it may also mean to set people who are enslaved to their addictions free.    I think my brain, if I can get it off its “To Do” list, does grasp the concept of Heaven on Earth; of the simplicity of doing nothing but Love God, Love Each Other; which is not nothing, but everything. 

Still, it’s ironic.  Or maybe it’s typical.  I don’t know, but here I am the most involved with church that I’ve ever been in my entire life.  And it’s not just churchy-church stuff, but, I’m studying the Bible, I’m attempting to open myself up spiritually to new ways of being, I’m serving, I’m giving. But my heart, my heart has been so weighed down for as long as I can remember; and if I dwell on that too long, I start to slide down the slippery slope into self-pity.  I think if my husband hears me wail, “It’s always been the story of my life!” one more time, he may close the book on me (no he wouldn’t, but I can sense his frustration because he can’t tell me what I need to hear).

A year or so ago, I was feeling guilty because I thought I wasn’t doing enough to serve Christ.  I went on a silent spiritual retreat where the Spiritual Director gave me several scripture verses to mediate on.  When she wrote down Psalm 131, she instructed me to envision myself being wrapped in God’s arms of strength and comfort.  “I’ve given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance.  I am not concerned with great matters or with subjects too difficult for me.  Instead I am content and at peace.”  Psalm 131:1-2. Well, in those moments I WAS at peace! I heard God say, “Amy, there is nothing wrong with your heart”.  I felt a burden lift!  I was assured that whatever I was doing or was not doing, it was for the right reasons. 

Several months later during Lent, many of these stinking-thinking emotions had unfortunately crept back in; all  that junk taking up residency in my heart and leaving no room at the inn.  So, I decided to go through an exercise to banish them from my life.  I thought of them as “My Goats”; you know, as in the goats that Jesus rejects and sends off to the left when He’s separating them from the sheep (who go to the right).  I thought I might pick 40, for the 40 days of Lent, but even I couldn’t think of 40 goats, so I went with 20.  For each one, I found an appropriate scripture verse reinforcing its elimination and amplifying the message of hope.  I wrote the goat’s name (e.g., “Recrimination”) and its accompanying scripture (2 Timothy 4:8) on a wine cork and lined them all up on the shelf where my Bible, devotions, and other spiritual paraphernalia reside.  By the time Easter arrived, I’d added this litany of reciting scripture, goats, and more scripture to my daily prayers (usually at noon Bells).  On Easter Sunday, I took each cork in turn, named the goat, recited its scripture, and threw it into a huge ornamental vase, symbolically eliminating them forever from my life.

Yeah.  That didn’t really work.  My goats; they had a way of finding their way back to the barn.

So, here’s how our God works.  This morning while doing the practice of Lectio Divina on a passage from Isaiah 11:1-3, I was at my wit’s end.  The focus was on “justice” and in all honesty, I was having to force myself to even do the work because I wasn’t feeling it, getting into it, whatever.  But, I gave it the old college try because, well, I didn’t want to disappoint God.  The two words that jumped out at me were “not judge”, and this is what I wrote down:

“It’s not my responsibility to judge anyone, including myself!  Christ is the perfect judge because He is full of wisdom, knowledge, perfect love, and fear (awe) of the Lord (the Father).  Understanding this, why would I even try to judge?  I can’t see; I have too many logs in my eyes and I can’t hear, my ears are closed to things I don’t agree with.  I also need to be easier on myself.  Trust in Christ’s perfect wisdom.  Let go of the burden that I have to be responsible for everything (which leads to resentments).  Christ came for me too!  He’s not standing there saying, “Yeah, well, you still need to do this, that, or the other things before I’ll save you!”  He came to free me from myself.  Holy God, may I have a “Helen Keller at the water pump moment” this Advent!  May I truly “get it” so I can be set free from all of the imposed and self-imposed judgments of myself and others.”

Well, my watershed moment came this morning as Pastor Michael was wrapping up his message on The Messiah as Conqueror; Jesus coming not to conquer in the worldly way, but in the other-worldly way; to intervene in whatever way we need Him to.  I had an image of a moth flitting around a lantern, persistent, never stopping.  I thought of Jesus standing at the door knocking, “Let me in!  Let me in!  I will take care of this for you!”  And I got it.  I got it. The reason I couldn’t get rid of the goats was they were not listening to me.  But, they will listen to Him.  I couldn’t conquer them, but He can, and He will.  As much as I thought I knew Jesus, I’d done with Him what I’ve tended to do most of my life, and that’s to shoulder all the responsibility (and then feel resentful about it). But this Jesus, this Messiah,  He’s persistent!  He’s been working on me for some time now.  That noise?  Him trying to get my attention.  “Let me in!”  So just like that, I let down my guard and in He walked.  Right there, right then, that moment, and I felt instant relief and a lessening of tension.  Freedom. Peace.  Quiet.  (I finally gave Him the stool, Mark ♥) If I were Pentecostal, I would have stood up at that moment in church and shouted “WA-WA!”

“Jesus said, “Those who come to me will never be hungry, and those who believe in me will never be thirsty.” John 6:35

In September 2011, I came to Jesus, but it took another six years, some excellent preaching, and His steadfast love and grace until I finally heart-believed He’d also come for me.

Today is my 54^th birthday.  What other gift could I ever want or need?

Mrs. B

Grateful and Thankful

There's quite a bit in The Bible, both Old and New Testaments, about being grateful and thankful.These words are often used interchangeably, so, it made me wonder, what are the true definitions of both?  To get the answers, I turned to trusty Google and searched.   I was somewhat surprised to see a long list of hits approaching this question.  I read through a few of them (and some directly contradicted others) and quickly realized that a) I did not really have an original thought here (LOL), and b) I guess I'll just pick the one I like the best (read:  that is the easiest to understand) and run with it.

So, here goes.  Gratefulness is a state of being and thankfulness is an active expression (either in words or actions) of gratitude (as an aside, you'll frequently  find the word "praise" quickly following on the heels of the word "thankful" in the Bible).  I don't believe one can be truly thankful without first feeling grateful. Note that I said "be truly grateful"; this isn't to say that people don't have the tendency to mutter "thanks" with no real emotion behind the words; sort of like when we ask people "How are you?" and walk away before they have the chance to tell us how they are.

Anyway, what's brought this topic about of course is that tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day here in the US of A.  Hopefully most of us don't save one day of the year to reflect on gratitude and to give thanks; however, it is an opportune time to stop and perhaps give this more thought than usual. When I was in elementary school, my teacher had us make cloth books filled with pages of what we were thankful for (I'm pretty certain we wouldn't have comprehended the difference between thankful and grateful at that age so she just went with thankful).  

Thank you, Mom, for keeping this.  I am grateful ;-)

So in essence, what we in our little kid brains could both feel (gratitude) for and then express it.  As a guide, she had us use the letters of the alphabet.  I always chuckle when I come across and re-read this book because I was a terribly silly child.  Case in point:

My first "selfie"

A "two-fer"!

Actually that's three words, Amy

However, I did have a few sweet ones, too:

 Still am!  Oh, Buda was our cat and Bert was my Father's parrot.  I don't know if I was really thankful for Bert; he was sort of mean!

 Always...

Even at that age, always PC!  Seriously, I was and I am

Beginning in 2012, I started to keep  track of my "gratefuls".  Every morning, I jot down at least one thing from the previous day that I feel gratitude for. I express it, offer thanks, by writing it down in my little book and then reflecting on this in my prayer time by offering praise.   As simple as it is, doing this helps to keep me focused on what is good in this world and in my life while it also serves to diminish those things that I either I fret or worry about, or those that make me feel unpleasant emotions.  I have all of these little books near to hand, and routinely open them up and explore them.  I find this particularly helpful on certain days when I'm struggling to come up with something (yes, it does happen).  I go back to that date the year before, or the year before that, and find myself experiencing gratitude for something that occurred a long time ago.  This often brings to mind something I'm grateful for that I wouldn't have thought of otherwise.  So, I become grateful for my gratefuls!

Here are a few from this past year:

• A good Stephen Leader meeting
• Walking with Hesed and talking with neighbors
• A wonderful trip to Selby Gardens with my Mom and Mom B
• A long bike ride
• Hesed rang her potty bells
• A good message at church
• I survived the dentist
• Safely home from our trip
• A quiet day; took a cat nap with Pete
• Father's surgery went well

You get the point; some days I have some fairly significant things to be grateful for; other times, I am just happy for down time, or the ability to exercise.  Even in the midst of some pretty ca-ca times, I always look for something to write down in my book.  For example, when I was involved in a car accident in October, I wrote down:

• I'm ok, she's ok
• The kindness of the people offering to help
• Opportunity to trust (God)
• Mark

I'll wrap this up with a prayer I wrote for Thanksgiving a few years ago.  

Holy God, for bringing us together this day, we thank you.  For our family and friends not with us today, we thank you.  For seeing us through trying times, we thank you.  For smiles and laughter, we thank you.  For warm weather and sunny skies, we thank you.  For the food before us, we thank you.  For you constant and steadfast love, we thank you.  How precious O Lord is your constant love.  We find protection under the shadow of your wings.  We feast on the abundant food you provide; you let us drink from your river of goodness.  You are the source of all life, and because of your light, we see the light.  This is the day that you have made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it.  In Jesus' name we pray.  Amen.

Amen and Amen!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Mrs. B