Beloved Friends

I've been feeling out of sorts all day today and I do know why that is. Two years ago on this day, we had Nigel put to sleep. It's hard to believe it's already been that long since we said good-bye; so many things that have happened since that he hasn't been a part of.

Mark and I both know that Nigel would have absolutely loved (and claimed ownership of) the sunroom in our new house. And, there is no doubt in our minds that he would have also claimed ownership of Lucy. Unfortunately, we'll never see that relationship develop and mature, but, I know they would have been pretty good buddies.

And, of course, I think about how Nigel might have comforted Clyde during his recent illness. Nigel was always the protective older brother and Clyde would have certainly liked to have had Nigel around to "take care" of him.

I won't say that these are fruitless and pointless thoughts; rather, they are simply poingnant wishes of things that can never be.

So, yeah, I've been sad today. I took down Nigel's album, the one I spent months making after he died, and read through it. Lots of tears and a bit of laughter. The pictures that are so hard for me to look at now are the ones of Nigel and Clyde together; certainly because Nigel is gone, but also because of Clyde being ill and me never knowing when he might leave me, too.

There is one picture of them sauntering down a hallway in a hotel in New Mexico. They are both fat and in their prime years. They were walking away from me as I snapped the picture, tails in the air, ears up, ready to explore (together) what was down that hallway.

As I looked at the picture and before I could stop myself, I cried out "Come back! Come back to me!"

I wish that they could; Nigel of course "coming home" and Clyde returning to his old robust fat self. of course, I know that can't happen. What will happen, though, is at some point they will be together again and, as hard as it's going to be, I can feel better knowing Nigel will once again be looking out for his little brother Clyde.

In the meantime, we continue to do what we think is best for Clyde and I continue to miss Nigel every single day of my life.

Here's the poem I wrote for him last year.

Mrs. B

Nigel’s Ears

Every so often
I’ll still find your hair
a whisper of a reminder
that you were once here

Then I close my eyes
blink back tears
and wish I could once again
kiss your silky ears

I keep the towel you died upon
tucked in a special place
as I do a whisker that once
was on your cherished face

I keep your favorite Buggy-toy
safely on my nightstand
(for a long time after you left me
I slept with it clutched within my hand)

When my sadness is such
that it rends me apart
I seek your precious memory
which has never left my heart

It’s been a year today
my heart’s begun to mend
aided by the certainty that
one day I’ll see you again

When my time comes
I will have no fear
for I will stoop and scoop you up
and kiss your silky ears

Dedicated to my best pal
Nigel T.
January 19, 1991-February 6, 2006
I’ll never stop missing you, Buggy.
Ever.