I
am contemplating my “furies”; what gets me so upset that I am blinded by
anger? Honestly and sadly, I’m not overly
much concerned about social injustices.
I know I should be, and I’m ashamed to admit (even to myself and especially
to God) that I am not. Oh, sure; certain
things bother me, and I might even feel sorrow about them, but God’s pure
anger? I don’t think so. Conversely, (and thankfully), I do not find
myself misdirecting my own anger as God’s.
Does
this make it all a wash?
I
know hands down what possesses me, what can cause me to say things I really don’t
want to (at least my True Self doesn’t want to, my ego happily spouts things
off rapid fire), as well as to sink into the pit of self-pity. RESENTMENT. It is, after a year of really thinking about
my “Goats”, probably the most stubborn and persistent one; even more so than anxiety
and recrimination!
This
is the scripture I’d assigned to the symbolic exorcism of the Goat of
Resentment last Lent:
“Keep your heart
with all vigilance for from it flow the springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Wise
words (Proverbs, after all!) yet, well, so very hard to do at times. When resentment flares up within me, I wonder
if it’s driven by physical factors (like a child being overly tired who
ultimately throws a temper tantrum), past wounds that are still not forgotten
or healed, or my ego, plain and simple, desiring recognition, accolades,
applause, and groveling (no, not really that!)
Probably a mixture of them all.
Richard
Rohr says about anger: “If you keep…justifying
why you deserve this anger, you are probably acting out of your own offended
ego. When you can let go of it…after
properly acknowledging it, you can probably retrieve it without its excessive
charge and then use it effectively. If
you can’t do that, I hate to say it, but you are likely “possessed” and need an
“exorcism”!”
So,
my head may not whip around at an 180 degree angle while my mouth projectile
vomits split pea soup, but the sight (when I am possessed by resentment-driven
anger), is not pretty nevertheless (if you didn’t catch the reference to a particular
movie here, you are either way too young or have never seen one of the scariest
horror movies of all time!)
Here
is another thing I’ve realized as I’ve thought about it. I do not resent what I am asked to do so much
as I resent not being acknowledged for doing it. Sadly, it does appear, then, that it’s
ego-driven. First half of life
stuff. Obviously, I’m still a long ways from Falling
Upwards. I suppose I should be grateful
that at least I recognize it; and I can continue to humbly rely on God to point
out to me what I need to work on.
Ego-Resentment-Anger-Forgetfulness
(not keeping my heart, not taming my tongue) = Unacceptable Behavior = (the
potential for) Destruction
Richard
Rohr’s suggestion? “Allow another person’s
smile, hug or words to dissipate “the whole thing”. In so doing, they perform an exorcism You might resent them (my aside: the Devil never takes too kindly to the
exorcist!) but this reveals the actual
emptiness of your anger. It was not
really “you” at all, but you had let it become you.”
And,
another person is not required for the procedure!
“When
The Furies have you, your practice can be to make eye contact and smile at
another person – deliberately detaching from your Furies –”
And,
so we begin!
Mrs. B
